In the Mind of the Almost King
by NeverWonder
Summary: What Finn was thinking during "Prom Queen"; Underlying pairing is Finn/Rachel, even though Finn is with Quinn


**Disclaimer:** This _Glee_ fanfiction is based upon the television show of the same name. All characters and situations other than my own are sole property of Ryan Murphy Productions and 20th Century Fox Television.  
><strong>AN:** So I'm royally pissed that yet again, we didn't get a Finnternal look, and so I'm going to attempt to write one.

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><p>Are they really performing at Prom? Rachel seems excited, though when she mentions "Run Joey Run" he kind of cringes because that was fucking embarrassing. Quinn shoots him a look that makes it clear that unless they have no choice, they won't be performing because running for king and queen is far more important. He can't help but think about how royally screwed up Quinn's priorities are, especially when she makes that weird comment about being able to get married as many times as you want, and once again he wonders what the hell he's doing with his life. Mercedes gets up and leaves the room, saying something about not having a date, and, as Rachel gets up to run to the rescue, he remembers that unless something has changed, Rachel doesn't have a date either. He wishes he could be her date, but he's going with Quinn and nothing can change that right now. No one thanks Rachel for running to the rescue, and he kind of wants to punch something because Rachel is always saving the day lately and all the club does is give her shit. What the fuck is wrong with them anyway?<p>

It can't be true; there's no way in hell Rachel would let St. Jackass back into her life after what he did to her. He tries to act like its nothing but friendly concern when he confronts her about it, but the way she reacts catches him off guard. She's not supposed to blow him off like that, and she's not supposed to tell him he's not allowed to care. He means it when he says that he cares about her, but it's so much more than that. Does she mean that though? Does it really make her die inside to see him with Quinn? He knows she means it because he learned a long time ago the difference between Rachel Berry dramatics and Rachel Berry honest feelings. He doesn't want to go to prom with Quinn; he really doesn't want to go at all, but he promised Quinn. He doesn't mean to admit it out loud, but when he says it, Rachel's right there with the advice, and its good advice, as always. He'll go out this afternoon and order the corsage she recommends. Once again he's in awe of Rachel Berry; any other girl would've said something nasty instead of offering help. When she turns to leave, he sees her face start of fall, and he knows she'll find somewhere to hide and cry because she won't dare let anyone see her tears. He wants to follow her and kiss her tears away and tell her that he loves her so much it hurts (because that's the truth), but that's not possible right now and he knows it.

Artie asks for a favor; he's done something stupid and hurt Brittany, and now he wants to win her back. Finn agrees because he knows the feeling, and he runs to his locker to get his drumsticks before lurking outside the home ec room with Puck, Sam, and Mike. He won't admit it, but he's jealous that Sam is going to prom with Rachel, even if it's that 'prom on a budget' thing or whatever. Just like Artie said, they step into Brittany's path so she can't leave before the song is over, and they go into the room; he sort of watches Brittany's reactions out of the corner of his eye, and he can tell right away that it's not going to work. When Brittany turns Artie down, Finn knows how shitty Artie must feel, and it kind of kills him a little. Finn wishes that it had worked because then at least Artie would be going to prom with the girl he wanted to be with even if he couldn't.

Warm milk is not delicious, but he drinks it anyway because Kurt is trying to be a good brother; Finn figures he owes Kurt that much because he's been a pretty shitty excuse for a brother until recently. He's sitting next to Blaine, who as it turns out is pretty cool; they talk about sports and stuff when Kurt isn't around, and Burt walks in talking about getting a deal on the tuxes, which is great. When Burt mentions powder blue, he almost winces because he's got to wear that girly ass powder blue bow tie and cummerbund to match Quinn's dress, which he still hasn't seen because she's insisting on keeping it a secret like they're getting married, something that _will not happen_. He's kind of jealous when Blaine describes his tux because while he doesn't understand what he's talking about it sounds like he's just wearing something simple, and he wishes he could wear something simple. He tries not to think about the fact that Rachel would have let him wear whatever he wanted to prom.

"Dude, that's rocks. It's like gay Braveheart." He means it when he applauds Kurt's prom clothes because while it's totally not his thing, he admires the fact that his brother has the balls to wear whatever the hell he wants to prom and go with his boyfriend no matter what anyone thinks.

He's kind of shocked that Burt and Blaine aren't thrilled about the kilt thing, but he kind of gets it too; they're kind of right. Just because no one has attacked Kurt or yelled at him doesn't mean that the hate isn't still there. Kurt makes a point of saying he doesn't give a damn, only it's in Kurt speak, which means the words far more fancy and there's no swearing, and later that night, he pulls his brother aside to tell him that if anyone gives him shit about his clothes or Blaine, he'll personally beat their asses. He means it; he's done worrying about his reputation if it means that he can't stand up for his friends and family.

He's starting to hate the Fabray house, and he's not sure why. It's not warm and inviting like Rachel's house is, and her mom is weird and always drinking. He can't help but think that maybe it's Quinn's mom who makes her act the way she does sometimes, and he almost wishes for her sake that she was back living with Mercedes because she seemed happier back then, even if she was pregnant with Puck's baby. She comes down the stairs, and he's grateful that she's breaking the awkward silence he feels when he's with her mom; Quinn really does look beautiful, and he can't help but think that she deserves someone who loves her, really loves her. It's not fair to her that he can't love her the way he loves Rachel, even though he pretends his feelings for Rachel don't exist. She says he looks great, and he tells her she's the most beautiful girl he's seen in his life. It's not entirely true, but he says it anyway because she needs to hear that she's beautiful, especially after that Lucy mess, and because she really is beautiful. When her mom leaves to get the camera he gives her the wrist corsage, and Rachel was so right about how perfect it would be. He almost credits Rachel for the advice, but he knows that it will upset Quinn even more. So he lets his heart break in silence for the girl he loves and the girl in front of him because the way he's handling things right now isn't fair to either of them. They almost kiss, but he's glad they don't because kissing Quinn feels more and more like a lie lately. He's so tired of lying.

Quinn just has to stop by Rachel's table to encourage them to vote for them, and he knows the minute his eyes meet St. Jackass' all hell might break loose in the middle of Breadstix. He can't resist the smartass comment about eggs, and he's too busy staring at Rachel to notice that the asshole is hitting on his date while sitting next to Rachel. He wishes Rachel would say something, anything, but instead she sits her, looking beautiful and heartbroken. Her earlier words echoing in his mind; she dies inside because he's with Quinn, and here he is parading Quinn in front of her again. He's such an idiot. Mercedes cuts in and tells Quinn how pretty she looks, says he looks handsome, and sends them away, and he's grateful because he knows that otherwise he's probably going to say something else and cause more trouble. Quinn hits him in the arm with her bag and hisses that he's an idiot, and he knows he's already screwed up once. He also knows it won't be the last time it happens either.

Most of prom has been a blur of Quinn dragging him around asking for votes, but now everything has literally slowed down; Rachel's singing, and it's this song about letting go and not going back and she keeps looking at him. He knows immediately that the song is for him, and he can feel something breaking inside him. She's giving up and letting him go, and he doesn't want her to. He needs her to hold on because if she doesn't then there may not be any hope at all for them; he just needs a little more time to figure this all out, and if she gives up then he'll be lost forever. He tries to give her that look, the one Puck calls 'eye fucking', but it doesn't work and instead she looks more heartbroken. She repeats this line over and over "who do you think you are", and he doesn't know how he is anymore. She's supposed to know who he is so that when he needs to find himself he can go to her. She can't give up on them; she just can't.

He can feel himself crumbling, and the tears try to sting his eyes. But he can't cry, not now in the middle of prom. He's been pretending that he doesn't care or miss her for so long, and it's only worked because as long as she kept hope alive he didn't have to; now he's losing her, and if he loses her he loses everything. He could keep his feelings locked up because she didn't, and now she was closing the box on her feelings too. Everything feels like it's falling apart. He feels so guilty about everything. He's a selfish bastard for wanting Rachel to wait and be alone while he plays this game with Quinn, and he's an asshole for letting Quinn get attached to him when he knows that it can't last. Every time Quinn looks up he has to tear his eyes away from Rachel, and he wonders how she can't see it; but then Quinn was never good at reading him, and he really didn't want Quinn to know that his heart was breaking because Rachel was giving up on him. She tells him how happy she is to be with him tonight, how it's all she ever wanted, but he can't answer. He wants something else, someone else, and he's losing it and losing her.

He can't keep his eyes off her anymore; he keeps staring, and Quinn keeps trying to refocus his attention on her; Blaine's on stage singing, and it's this really fast paced upbeat song. Rachel's dancing with the wrong guy again, and the more she laughs and smiles the more the burning and twisting in his stomach threatens to eat him alive. He's already pulling away from Quinn, and he doesn't even feel her hand on his arm, trying to pull him back. St. Jackass is touching his girl, and his fists clench; then it happens, and there's no turning back. He's sees the asshole with his lips on Rachel's neck, and something snaps inside him. He doesn't give a damn about anything but stopping what he sees, but he tries not to take a swing at the asshole, no matter what he feels. It doesn't work, and his 'friendly' warning turns into a shoving match; it's only a matter of time before he takes a swing, and it pisses him off that somehow St. Jerkoff became a fucking ninja and dodges his punch. He swears he won't miss again, but before he can make his next move Coach Sylvester is breaking up the fight and dragging them by their collars out into the parking lot. He knows Rachel's pissed at him, and he's pretty sure that he may have just caused Quinn to dump him, even if it's not official yet; mostly though, he's just pissed that he still hasn't gotten the chance to mess up pretty boy's face.

He can't go home, not yet, because there's still like an hour or two left of prom, so he drives around town, swearing loudly to the empty truck; when he finally gives up on his quest to pretend like he didn't get kicked out of junior prom, he drives home, glad to see that Burt and his mom have gone out for the night. Sinking onto the front porch swing, he buries his face in his hands and cries for the first time in months; he cries because he's lost Rachel, because he's hurt her so badly that she's given up on him for good this time, which makes him a dumb ass, and because he's hurt Quinn, which makes him an asshole. He feels his phone vibrating in his pocket, but he ignores it, too broken to care who wants to talk to him; it vibrates again, and he finds two text messages. One is from Kurt, and it just says "_she's done it this time"_. He doesn't get it; who was Kurt talking about? The second makes it clear. It's from Santana; on a normal night he would be pissed that she still had his number, but tonight he's out of it. _"You should keep your pet bitch on a leash, Finnocence."_ He knew he should be pissed that Santana had called Quinn a bitch, but he was too worried about what she'd done.

Thirty minutes later, Kurt pulls up, and he's reminded that Mercedes and Rachel are supposed to be staying the night; Kurt and Mercedes get out of the vehicle, followed by Blaine, and he watches as Blaine heads back to Dalton. Burt and his mom made it clear that it would be a no 'significant other' kind of night, whatever that meant. He's confused when Rachel seems to refuse to get out, and it's not until Kurt gives him the death glare that he realizes he must be the reason she won't open the door. He shakes his head, and Kurt seems to roll his eyes.

"What the hell is this about?" He asks, holding up his phone and pointing out the two texts; he can't stop himself from trying to find out the minute his brother is in range.

"She's out of control, Finn. She's lucky I didn't hit her myself, and you know how I abhor violence." Finn's brows knit together, and Kurt rolls his eyes. "It means I hate violence."

"Will someone tell me what the fuck happened after I left?" He almost shouts.

"After you got your ass thrown out of prom, white boy, your girlfriend went and smacked Rachel. I thought Santana was going to kill her when she found out."

"Wait what?" He can't believe it; this has to be a prank.

"That's right, Finn. Quinn literally slapped Rachel, and now she's sitting in the car, hiding because she's angry with you and she doesn't want you to see the red mark on her face." Kurt snaps at him, and he knows he deserves it.

He stands on the porch for five minutes before Rachel finally gets out of Kurt's truck, and when she steps into the light he can see the faint pink mark on her cheek. It makes him wince because he knows how hard Quinn can slap, and he wants to kiss her and make it better. Her eyes are puffy, and she looks so tired; he knows she must've put on a strong face in front of everyone after what happened, but her strength is fading now. He reaches out to pull her into a hug because it's instinct and she looks like she needs it, but instead he receives a stinging slap to the face. It's not the first time the petite brunette has hit him, but it's never hurt so much before; he feels like he earned it this time, really earned it.

"Rach, I'm sorry; I'm so sorry." He whispers, and the tears stinging his eyes match the tears in hers.

"Stop it, just stop. You aren't sorry, Finn. You aren't sorry for any of it." She hisses, and the tears start falling. "Why, Finn? Why did you have to start a fight with him?"

"I couldn't stand him with his hands all over you like that, Rachel. I couldn't take it."

"This has to stop. You are with Quinn, and yet you insist on behaving like I belong to you. You gave up the right to be a jealous boyfriend when you broke up with me. I'm not yours anymore." She snaps through the tears. "You don't want me, but you don't want me to be with anyone else. It's not fair."

"It's not true, you know. I do want you." He whispers the confession, and she raises her hand to slap him again; he guesses it's because she thinks he's lying, and he catches her wrist before she can.

"Loving you is so exhausting, Finn. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of feeling like this, of _hurting so much_." He pulls her to him, and he winces as her small fists pummel his chest, letting her wear herself out. "I can't do this anymore; that was the point of that song. I'm can't keep holding on like this. It _hurts_."

"I'm sorry, Rach; I'm sorry for everything." He's not sure when he started crying, but the tears just keep falling. "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant for it all to get fucked up. I'm not sorry I almost hit him though; I'm just sorry I missed."

"_Finn_…" He feels her tense in his arms, and he knows it's because of the swear word.

"He deserved it Rachel, if not for tonight, for what he did to you before." He says it with more conviction than he's had in anything in a long time.

"You don't get to be my knight anymore, Finn."

She pulls back for a moment, and he can see the tears in her eyes; shaking her head, she tries to walk past him, but he reaches for her hand, trying to pull her back. He feels that familiar tug at his heart, and something twists inside him; the words start bubbling up, and he does everything in his power to stop them. She yanks her hand away, but it's not anger he sees in her eyes; the hurt is worse than anything, and he'd rather her be pissed at him than crying. She pushes past him, heading into the house, and she doesn't even bother to hide the way her small frame shakes with her tears. He's an asshole for breaking her heart; he did this to her, and he hates himself.

"I love you." Suddenly the words escape, and she stops dead in her tracks, turning on him.

"Don't say that. Don't you dare say that." She cries out before racing away from him, but he swears he hears her whisper that she loves him too as she leaves.

He throws himself onto his bed, burying his face in the pillows, and the tears start falling again. Everything is so broken, and he doesn't know how to fix it; he's never felt so useless and lost. Rachel is down the hall in Kurt's room, and he knows she's crying too. He'd give anything to make it right, but he doesn't know how. He needs her; he needs them to be ok again.


End file.
